While enabling Someone can be positive if you’re helping them achieve something they can’t do on their own, it can also be a problem if you’re enabling Someone’s bad behavior. The term is often used in reference to drug addiction, as in enabling Someone’s drug use.
The most insidious thing about being an enabler is that you can be one without knowing it. You might even have the best of intentions while still enabling a loved one’s bad behavior. Some examples can be covering for a spouse who is too hungover to go to work after a night of drinking, ignoring a friend’s drug use, or trivializing self-destructive behavior. You might not be actively encouraging Someone to drink or use drugs, but you’re not doing anything to help them get clean or change their behavior in any positive way.
Knowing whether or not you’re enabling Someone can be difficult, but there are some signs that you can look for if you take a step back and examine your own behavior. First of all, ask yourself if you’re trivializing their bad behavior. When they forget their obligations or commit hurtful acts, do you simply brush it off as no big deal? If you do, you’re sending the message that they can get away with their behavior. You’re not giving them a reason to change, so they won’t try.
Next, ask yourself if you make excuses for your loved one’s behavior. Excuses make bad behavior look like an anomaly as if they wouldn’t engage in their destructive behavior if it weren’t for some outside factor. There are likely underlying issues for their bad behavior, and coming up with other excuses just prevents them from getting the help they need.
Finally, do not blame yourself for your loved one’s behavior. No matter what they tell you or what you might believe, it isn’t your fault. If they are to ever change, they need to take personal responsibility for their actions.
Now that we know a little more about what it means to enable someone, your next step is to stop enabling your loved one. You can do that by finding support for yourself, either from friends and family or through therapy. Next, address your loved one’s behavior. Make it clear that they have a problem and that they need help. Finally, do not tolerate any kind of abuse. In the end, you still need to take care of yourself as well as your loved one. If you feel unsafe in your relationship, look to others for help and support. If your loved one is a friend, you may want to take a step back from your relationship with them. It will keep you safe, and it might be the wake-up call that they need to seek treatment.